Mike and I are currently separated. It's been about a month now, but had been discussed since October 2013, so not a decision we took lightly. I don't see a world in which I will never love him. I just don't know in what form that will be. We parent well together. We are best friends. We have a very strong family unit. Without getting into details, we are and have been missing the physical intimacy/passion for years. We always thought what we had was enough but I noticed myself starting to get mean to him. I would snap at him in front of the kids. I became distracted and just flat out mean. Not who I am or who I would ever want to be. I had zero patience with the kids and was physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. We were both so unhappy and so miserable but just continuing to live this life and watch the years pass by. It was inevitable that hatred and disdain were next. I read this great article where a woman asked her father when he knew it was time to separate from her mother. His response was "when the bad memories outweigh the good memories and when there is something so fundamentally wrong that it spreads through your marriage like a cancer.". That was us and I knew to save our relationship and our family, that we needed to do this.
It's not easy. I talked to the kids about how all families look different and ours was going to look different. They would remain in our house and Mike and I would find alternate living when it was not our parenting time. Sometimes they would live with mommy (and Leo yelled "Mommy") and sometimes they would live with daddy. Gwen seemed to understand and listed 4 friends whose parents are either divorced or separated. The world has changed and now there are no boundaries as to what a family can look like. Our goal is to ensure the best possible life for our kiddos and I believe that starts with a happy mommy and daddy.
It's going well. Living like a nomad is brutal, but the kids are happy. I asked Gwen the other day how she was doing with the situation and she said she was sad that we aren't together all the time, but does find the time we are together as a family, very special. We both go to their concerts or soccer games and we have done dinner at the house. I can only see that as being normal no matter what happens. They are and always will be our #1 priority.
As for me, I'm learning a lot. I'm learning patience. I don't yell at the kids as much. I'm learning to slow down when I am with them and in lieu of doing house stuff, I'll sit and just watch them play or even play with them. I plan out more activities and feel like I am more fun and have more energy. I have let go of worrying about small things like trying to get to work at a certain time. The mornings I have the kids, we have a perfect routine and I focus on positive reinforcement. Seems to work as Gwen has been amazing lately (not that she wasn't before). She's so helpful and happy. I feel like her mood feeds off mine, so she's obviously sensing a change for the positive.
Not sure what will come out of all of this, but in my opinion it will be great either way. I love my babies and will do whatever it takes to keep them happy and safe. I love Michael and always will. He is so amazing and deserves to be happy too.
